Dan vs Pinkie Pie
by Dream.Before.Nightmare
Summary: There's a new bakery in town and a new girl in town. That's just a new reason for Dan to plot revenge, but there's something stopping him. That something's name is Pinkie Pie, the friendly bakery worker. Will Dan ever win this one? Human!PinkiePie x Dan
1. Episode 1: Dan vs Cake

**Thanks to everyone who's been reading, reviewing, and favouriting!**

Just a little note, this Pinkie Pie is a Human!Pinkie Pie for obvious reasons. This is just a little something something so I can get my ideas out.

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_**Dan vs. Cake**_

"Hurry up, Chris, Mr. Mumbles is getting hungry!" Dan shouted at his best friend and lackey as they got out of Dan's car.

Elise leased Chris to Dan on the condition that he would at least not get Chris hurt and Chris could do some grocery shopping. The only thing on Dan's list was cat food. Dan stomped through the streets to the pet store, Chris casually following and doing some window shopping.

"Hey! Hey! Hey! What the HECK is this LINE doing here?" Dan screamed. Chris walked over to see what was the matter and looked up at the store's sign and banner that said "GRAND OPENING."

"Oh, hey! This is the new bakery Elise was talking about! Woah, Dan, look at this cake over here! It looks delicious! Elise would love this."

Dan growled, "Chris, who CARES? They're blocking the entrance to the pet store! Move! Move! Move!"

Dan started waving his arms and people moved out of his way.

"Hey, Dan, I'm going to wait in line, you go ahead and get Mr. Mumbles' food and just put it in the car."

"Oh, and what, so you can just frolic in there and get a cake for ELISE? I am hurt, Chris. I thought you cared about Mr. Mumbles and also me above anything else."

Chris heaved a sigh, "Listen, I'll buy you something from the bakery, you'll be back before I even get to the front."

"Chris, you know I'm lactose intolerant!" Dan argued.

"Just go! I'm sure they'll have something for you."

"Number three-hundred sixteen!" a high-pitched voice called within the shop and the line was sent into frenzy.

"I'll be right here when you get back," Chris said before leaving to get a number and leaving Dan to stalk off to the pet store. ... By the time Dan got back, Chris was in the middle of the line that stretched across the block by the afternoon.

"This is ridiculous," Dan muttered, crossing his arms and taking in the shop's delicious scents. It made him sick, but he was getting a free meal out of it so...

Dan looked around and leaned to his left to try to get a better look at the bakery's counter. There was one in particular that stood out. A girl with bushy pink hair, giving out people's cakes.

"Number four-hundred thirty-four!" she called.

"Hey, Chris, that means we're close!" Chris nodded, giddy for pies and all the gross confectionaries he was obsessed with.

"Good, I wanna get outta here," Dan noted. Dan spent the next few minutes pretending he was somewhere else. Strangling clowns or on a beach with Mr. Mumbles.

"Number four-hundred fifty-six!" the pink girl called. Chris pulled Dan along, "Hey! Dan! We're up!"

"Hi! I'm Pinkie! What would you like to have today? We have strawberry shortcakes, strawberry tallcakes, green tea cakes, green cakes, cake tea, apple pies, berry pies, appleberry pies, candy of all kinds, lemon meringue..." she listed.

Chris's jaw dropped, "They all sound so delicious!"

"They do, don't they?" she giggled.

"Well, do you have a strawberry banana cake?"

"With or without kiwis?"

"With! Please!"

"And also apple pie?"

"Of course!"

"Dan, do you want anything?"

"I told you, Chris, I can't eat even half of this stuff! I'm lactose intolerant!"

"Oh, we have a whole load of lactose-free goodies! Even cakes! So what would you like?" Pinkie asked, her big blue eyes looking into Dan's beady green ones. Dan froze for only a moment; he would have felt his heart skip a beat if it weren't for the fact that the next moment he would be met with a cake to the face. Apparently one of the girls setting out a fresh cake didn't have one of her shoes tied.

Dan started to steam and then dropped to his knees.

"CAAAAAAAAKE!" he screamed to the ceiling. Pinkie, Chris and everyone else stared at Dan, but Pinkie quickly acted. She hopped over the counter and started cleaning Dan's face.

"I'm so sorry about that! I hope you're okay, don't worry though because I think that was a lactose free cake Jill was putting out. Hey, to make it up to you, we'll give you a free cake!"

Dan grumbled as the cake was wiped away from his face to reveal the cheery Pinkie.

"Forget it! I don't want your stupid-"

"He'll take of your lactose-free chocolate cakes," Chris answered quickly, pulling his friend to his feet.

"With or without strawberries?"

"With, please."

Pinkie hopped back over the counter and started grabbing their orders and before you could say 'Pinkie Pie picked pink pies per perfect peppy party,' she was done wrapping their orders. Chris paid for their things and Pinkie bade them a 'fabulous day!' Dan turned and glared at the busy Pinkie who hadn't even noticed and walked away with Chris.

"I am so gonna get that stupid bakery and its cakes!" Dan plotted. Chris sighed, closing the passenger seat door closed and placing his groceries delicately as possible on his lap.

"Dan, it was just an accident, that poor girl and the cake didn't mean to hurt you!"

"Oh that's what you think, Chris, and everyone knows what you think doesn't matter in the scheme of things, especially MY schemes," Dan cackled.

"Oh god, not again- Dan..."

"Oh sorry, Chris, I can't hear you over the noise of HOW FAST MY CAR IS GOING!" he screeched before letting his own vehicle speed off.

_Great_, Chris thought, _another scheme where I'm gonna get hurt._

...

Dan was lying on his couch with Mr. Mumbles sleeping soundly on his chest. He was formulating ideas of what to do with that _STUPID_ bakery and it's _STUPID_ cake.

He could try filling each cake with mold...

No, no, that's just too much work, too much waiting...

He could steal all their ingredients!

But what the heck would he do with all that flour?

Then it hit him.

Oh, it was perfect.

The revenge that only a brilliant mastermind like himself would come up with: Dan would buy a cake, 'drop' it, and demand a refund or something.

He'd even be quite meticulous and specific about his order.

No wait, even better: He would break into the bakery and then he would throw their own cakes at their store!

"Brilliant, Dan, just brilliant," he congratulated himself, closing his eyes and waiting for that brand new tomorrow.


	2. Episode 2: Joey Ramone

**Thanks to everyone who's been reading, reviewing, and favouriting!**

Wow, a lot of people like this story, so thank you! I'll try my best to work on all my stories this summer, so I think you'll see more updates around. I'm not saying specifically this one, but I'll have things posted.

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_**Joey Ramone**_

"No. No. No! Dan, I will _NOT_ let you ruin a new business! Especially a bakery!" Chris shouted over the phone.

"Chris, honestly, is that all you care about? Food? There is so much more to life than food!" Dan argued, rummaging through his closet for a crowbar.

"Dan, there is more to life than revenge!"

"Oh, you poor man, you don't know what you're talking about. I'm coming to get you at twelve. Oh, and bring your fake moustaches and sunglasses."

Chris tried to argue, but Dan already hung up. He hung his shoulders and his wife gave him a weird look.

"What is it this time?" she groaned, knowing her beloved, but weak-spined husband fell into another one of Dan's schemes.

"Dan wants to vandalize the new bakery with their own cakes," Chris answered.

Elise sighed, "I don't even know how you can put up with that!"

"I know..." Chris said, leaving to get the fake moustaches and sunglasses.

* * *

><p><em>"First, we have to gather intelligence."<em>

In order to do that, Chris and Dan disguised themselves much like they always have: poorly.

They waited in line for a while, but the line wasn't that long today. Dan leaned over again to check who was at the counter, it was that pink-haired girl again. This time she wasn't calling out numbers, she was calling out names.

"She already knows everyone in the neighborhood!" Dan exclaimed. He had to decide whether that was a danger to him.

"Of course, Pinkie is the friendliest person I've ever met! I wouldn't be surprised if she knew everyone's name in all of California by now!"

Dan's anger started to boil, "Oh, well isn't she so great?" he dripped sarcastically.

Chris, still more or less immune to sarcasm answered, "Yeah, she is pretty cool."

Dan just shut his trap, it was no use talking to this idiot friend of his.

"Hello! Hey, is that you Chris? And who's your friend?" asked Pinkie when they became first in line.

"Hey, Pinkie! I- oof!" Chris muttered after being elbowed by Dan.

"Oh, I mean I'm not Chris, and this certainly isn't my friend Dan. This is..."

"Joey, Joey Ramone," Dan interjected.

"Oh, like The Ramones! My friend listens to them! So, Chris, what will you have today? The usual?" asked Pinkie.

Woah, Dan had never really met someone else who knew-

"The USUAL? Chris!" Dan asked, disgusted.

"I'll guess that's a 'yes'!" Pinkie grinned.

"So, Mr. Ramone, are you sure your name isn't Dan?" she asked, her blue eyes boring right through Dan's sunglasses.

Dan got really scared and he didn't know why.

He felt like a mouse that Mr. Mumbles would occasionally kill and bring to him. His heart beat faster, he began to hear himself breath and he did the only thing he could: He turned and ran, shouting, "She's onto us!"

He ran around the corner of the building to where they parked and leaned up against the wall and sank down. He took off his sunglasses and moustache. They were getting hot or fogged up. He panted and had to think why he did that.

This was the first time he fled the scene because he had no good reason to flee. It was one thing running for your life, but he would never run if she was onto his scheme. Yeah, he decided, that Pinkie girl had to go. He took out his notebook and scribbled down he name. No doubt he'd get his revenge. Back at the shop, however, Chris and Pinkie were standing, stunned.

"Maybe you should go after him," Pinkie suggested, looking at the swinging door.

Chris shook his head, "Nah, he'll be fine. I'm sorry about him, Dan can get a little paranoid."

Pinkie giggled, "No worries! Just as long as he's okay!"

Pinkie was called to get Chris's order.

"Here you go, Chris! Oh, and take this," Pinkie said, placing a pink cupcake with balloons frosted onto the counter Chris to take. It's my own recipe and lactose free!" she nodded proudly.

Chris nodded, "Thanks, Pinkie. You're a great friend, even though Dan doesn't know it yet."

She waved goodbye before she called up the next customer. Dan walked with the boxes of cake and pie before finding Dan still on the sidewalk, staring at his car.

"Hey, what are you looking at?" screamed Dan at some jogging guy that was staring at him.

"Dan, c'mon, let's go," Chris said, trying to divert his friend's thoughts from revenge. Dan put his sunglasses and moustache back on and hopped into the car with Chris who was checking his pies. Tonight was when they would finally taste Dan's wrath.

* * *

><p>"Sorry, Dan, but Chris has gone a little overboard with the pie. He won't be able to go with you and get hurt," Elise explained over the phone with a cold tone in her last message.<p>

"Ooh, someone's a little upset. I told Chris those pies were a bunch of trouble. Well, no matter, I will see you two tomorrow," Chris said and hung up on Elise. He looked at his counter and checked for all the necessities of this scheme: Crowbar, ski mask, rope, bricks, a cupcake, his keys, and-

Dan looked at the pink cupcake that Chris had given to him. He said it was from that girl, Pinkie, and it was totally lactose free. He tiptoed over to it and inspected it. He sniffed it, he eyed it, he interrogated it.

"What do you want from me?" he shouted at it. And he finally took a moment to reflect if it really was the cupcake he was asking that question. He grit his teeth and picked up the cupcake. He gave it one last glare before he-

"Meow," Mr. Mumbles said, perched on the countertop above the trash.

"What, Mr. Mumbles? You want this cupcake?" Dan asked, waving it.

"Meow," she said again. Her eyes were focused on the pink confection. Dan hesitated, could cats even eat this stuff? He placed the cupcake beside her and picked her up instead.

"Oh, Mr. Mumbles..." he murmured, burying his face into her fur. She smelled like her special strawberry shampoo. She started to purr and Dan sighed. He was always calmed down by Mr. Mumbles, but alas, the true Dan broke through and he set his beloved cat down to devour her cupcake. Instead, he picked up the crowbar and so on, ready for a fight.


	3. Episode 3: What's Your Angle?

**Thanks to everyone who's been reading, reviewing, and favouriting!**

Wow! I really do mean thanks everyone and I'm sorry that it's taken so long to update! I remember someone asked or said something about where I got the idea. It wasn't from the Naughty vs. Nice, it was actually when they were showing movies! On The Hub (I'm not sure if it's different for anyone?) it shows Dan talking to Pinkie in the theatre and I thought that'd be a pretty neat conversation and then I churned this thing out. I'm not sure when I'll next update, but hey, this one is for all you guys.

**_What's Your Angle?_**

Dan pulled up to the bakery. It was the middle of the night, surely no one would be there.  
>He pulled on his ski mask, got his brick ready to break the glass, took in a sharp breath before arching back, poised for brick-throwing and then-<p>

"Hi, Dan!" a cheery voice called.

Dan froze and looked to see Pinkie hopping towards him.  
>He'd been caught red-handed!<br>This was not going to end well.

"Whatcha doin' with that brick and ski mask?" Pinkie asked, leaning close to him and eyeing him to a point her eye was twitching.

Dan looked around.

"Oh, nothing! I was just doing some warm up excersices for the brick throwing contest that's in, uh, out of state. In the mountains. Hence the ski mask."

_Wow._  
><em>What a freakin' 'Doh' moment there, Dan.<em>  
><em>Now she's onto you for sure and you're gonna have to fight your way out of this one.<em>  
><em>Brick throwing contest? IN THE MOUNTAINS?! That's a new low, even for you, Dan. Why are you even getting all flustered about this?<em>

While Dan was thinking to himself, Pinkie looked back between the direction he was facing and the way the brick was angled.  
>It was gonna hit the bakery window if that happened.<p>

"Hmm..." Pinkie hummed, there was something wrong about this.

Dan let out a nervous laugh.

"Okay!" she agreed, "Dan, I was wondering if you could come to the shop tomorrow! I wanted to get to know you better."  
>She gave him a sweet little smile and the biggest Pinkie eyes.<p>

"Uh..." Dan thought, "I'll- I'm, uh..."  
>He looked around frantically.<br>Oh god, what was this girl's angle?

Getting to know Dan?

Yeah, more like getting on his bad side (well, almost all his sides were bad), not to mention most if not all people would just run away.

"I'll see if I can squeeze it into my busy schedule," Dan answered with a sneer.

Pinkie's face lit up, "Great!"

Dan turned to leave and ran away, only until he was within five feet of his car that he realized the bakery girl was bouncing after him.

"What? What the heck are you doing?"

Pinkie stood up straight and explained plainly, "Duh! I'm following you! My Pinkie Sense was tingling so I was making sure you weren't going to do anything bad."

God forbid what kind of nonsense she was talking about.

"What? Me? No! Never!" he denied, sarcasm threatening to break through.  
>Wow, this girl really was good at keeping up her 'I'll pretend I didn't see that' act up or she really was that ignorant.<p>

"Oh, that's good. Okay, well I'll see you tomorrow!" she waved and disappeared into the night.

Dan let out a sigh of relief. Jeez, what the heck was that girl's deal anyway? She caught him red-handed, any idiot could see that (though he wasn't so sure now) and then let him go.  
>Maybe it was one of those things people do. They ignore a situation and just hope it doesn't happen again. I mean, no one wants to rat out someone right?<p>

Wrong.

People did that to Dan all the time.

Sure, maybe Dan couldn't escape it, but he couldn't think of anyone who wouldn't turn him in. Maybe even Chris, had Elise demanded it.  
>Yeah, Dan was alone in his world, and he couldn't see why this Pinkie girl wouldn't just leave him alone either.<p> 


	4. Episode 4: Bad Decisions

**Thanks to everyone who's been reading, reviewing, and favouriting!**

I know I haven't updated in like FOREVER and this is a short chapter, so I'm really sorry! It really is fun to write this crossover and I'm glad you guys really enjoy it.

To DanVSFan: I really would love it if you did a voice over for Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie and I'd greatly appreciate a link to it when you're done, I've never met anyone who does voice acting before so that sounds so fun!

Anyways, I hope you're having a good summer everyone.

* * *

><p>Dan grumbled as he walked into the accursed bakery to meet Pinkie.<p>

He'd decided (after some heated discussion with Mr. Mumbles) to see her after all. He didn't tell Chris or anyone.

It wasn't even necessary.

He'd just go and leave. Not even a revenge plot (that was Mr. Mumbles' decision to Dan's sore disappointment).

"Dan! Hi! Oh, let me do just one more order before I leave! Marie! Hi!" she mustered quickly.

Dan stood, watching her take a long time to do this dumb lady's huge order. Five cakes for one party? Come on, only if you're inviting ravenous lactose consumers, like kids.

Dan hated kids.

As he was getting into detail of WHY exactly he hated kids, Pinkie finally wrapped up the woman's order and already bade her co-workers goodbye before hopping towards Dan.

"Okay, Dan! I'm ready to par-tay! What do you say that we go get some coffee? Oh no, but Twilight said I shouldn't do that, not after what happened last time! Oh, no, how about we go to the supermarket? No, no, I did my groceries last week. We can go somewhere like the mall! I heard they're gonna be having a sale soon! But then again, fall colors are on sale and they never have pink and I will not pay like forty dollars for one t-shirt because that is outrageous! Hey Dan, where do you think we should go?"

Dan had lost interest after she said his name the first time.

"Daaaaan, helloooo! I said where should we go?" she called, getting his attention.

"Oh! Oh! Uh... shoot, we should... well, I was thinking we can go to the park!" he nodded.

Pinkie approved of his decision by squealing, nodding and dragging him towards the door.

The worst part was Dan thought she was jumping so he was particularly shaken up when he was brought to the front of the store and tried to shake it off after she began leading him to her own car, a very pink, bedazzled volkswagon that reeked of sprinkles and rainbows or what have you that's involved in baking when Dan was put into the passenger's seat.

"Do you always get to know people like this?" grumbled Dan as he inspected the contents of the glove compartment, which contained a half empty plastic bag of cake candles, assorted confetti, party hats, those stupid things that make the noises when you blow on them, and a very realistic looking donkey tail tacked to a comically huge pin.

"You should see my welcome wagon!" she laughed as she checked her rearview mirror.

Dan closed the compartment shut.

Yeah, this girl was definitely crazy and he just got in her car, ready to be driven away.

Why did he always make bad decisions?


	5. Episode 5: I Had Fun Once

**Thanks to everyone who's been reading, reviewing, and favouriting!**

Yeah, I know, I haven't updated in forever and all this blah, but I don't know, I guess it's like weird writing for this story as of late.

Like, I love My Little Pony, but oh my gosh bronies are the scourge of everything and their behavior is appalling to me. I don't care if you like the show, it's really fun and I think it has a good message about friendship, but literally if you are making clop art and insulting and discouraging like all the younger kids from liking the show and even the creators are asking you to stop what you're doing you need to leave, like, permanently. That's so disrespectful, my blood is boiling right now.

Hopefully you're not one of those people, I just wanted to tell you why it's a little hard writing this story. It really is fun writing this story because in all honesty it started out as just a silly crackship and I really appreciate you guys liking it and supporting these two shows. So, yeah, remember to be nice! Enjoy the actual message sent by MLP to be a good neighbor and a good person or pony! Thanks again guys.

* * *

><p>"Yay! We're here!" Pinkie shouted, "Come on, Dan!"<p>

Dan sat in the car, arms crossed. He should have just ditched when he could, but for some reason that pink ball of fun got to him. Maybe even under his skin.

Gross.

He finally decided to get this day over with and got out of the car.

"So..." he sighed, "What should we do?"

"Talk! Walk! Walk and talk! Talk and walk! We should go to the playground too, and there's some boats at the lake," Pinkie answered, "Or is it a pond?"

"Great," Dan shrugged and began to walk with Pinkie through the park.

...

"And then we combined all of our deserts to win the top prize!" Pinkie finished, waving her hands in the air.

Dan might have hated the assembly of disturbing amounts of pastries and then the destruction and later frankenstein-ing of all of them, but he just... smiled.

Smiled?

What?

Dan does not SMILE.

Grin, smirk, leer, and sneer, sure, but this time he didn't even think about it.

Augh!

What was WITH this girl?

He didn't feel like this when he liked Becky or that stupid Amber. Even Hortense.

Way to bring up more terrible memories, Dan.

This Pinkie girl was something, but definitely NOT someone Dan would consider dating or even LIKING.

This was a simple meeting, nothing more... though the park did look pretty nice; not a lot of people around, no trash, no stupid pond ducks. Surprisingly the weather was fine too. The ridiculous Californian weather didn't curse them with blistering heat nor the freezing cold found in the fall. And the bench they were sitting on wasn't at all sticky and it was in the shade of a tree.

Heck, right now was so pleasant that Dan almost felt relaxed, even with Pinkie around, technically the enemy in this case of revenge. He wondered how her hair got so wild and so... pink. He wondered why she had this weird tattoo of balloons, how her eyes were so blue.

STOP.

WHAT?

Dan gripped his head, tried to distract himself with pain. Where were these thoughts even coming from?

"Dan, are you okay?" Pinkie asked, leaning over.

Dan looked like he was shocked that she spoke, apparently he was choking his own hand that was now turning blue.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he snapped, pushing her away with a numb arm. He shook his arm to try to return the blood and his dignity.

"Well... if you say so! But if you aren't feeling too good, talk to me! I'll be sure to get you back up in a jiffy!"

"I sure will," he replied.

"Pinkie Promise?"

"Yeah... no," said Dan.

'Pinkie Sense' and now 'Pinkie Promise?'

Something told Dan that this girl was more of a freak than he was and he tried to decide whether that was good news for him or bad news.

"We should totally go on those boats we talked about earlier!"  
>Wow that was as good of an idea as going with her to the park: TERRIBLE.<p>

"Listen, I don't do gross, rickety swan boats in a weird lake with a girl I have barely met."

"So it is a lake!"

Dan groaned and this marked the end of his decent day.

"C'mon, it'll be fun!" Pinkie urged.

"I had fun once. It was horrible," Dan seethed. Cringing at the thoughts of time his happiness was so short lived.

"Then you've never really had fun! I, Pinkie, Pinkie swear you, Dan, will have an absolute blast at the lake. Yes, it's a lake."

Pinkie Pie had one hand raised to swear and the other over her heart.

Dan flinched at the mention of a Pinkie Swear and honestly right now he'd like to do a whole different version of swearing, especially when he felt her warm hand strangle his hand and begin to run to the lake's docks.


End file.
